the deal

ok, here's what happened.

our manager has been ill and i was asked to assist with running stuff. last week, one of the girls wanted to leave early and we needed her to stay - it was busy and another person was running late. she stayed a bit but left an hour and a half early anyway and she got in trouble for it (not by me). this really pissed her off. so on tuesday she started being extremely rude to me. she ordered me around, mocked me on the salesfloor, screamed at me saying i was screwing things up, etc. she basically went naomi campbell, even flinging a clipboard at me. whatever, i can deal. i'm poor.

so our manager just got back and decided this girl and i should talk to nip it in the bud. that's cool, but the girl was so outta line during this "talk". she did her little impersonation of me again, screamed at me and claimed she doesn't speak very good english so she didn't understand that she was supposed to stay and work her entire scheduled shift. then she says, "i'm language handicapped." wtf? WAY outta line! she acknowledged that she was picking on me and said she wouldn't stop and storms outta the office. the manager assured me she was ok, but i said that i wasn't. and i'm not.

i was scheduled to work this morning which would've had me in the shop with this girl for three hours before the manager came in. by the time i got home last night, i was feeling sick to my stomach. i desperately need this job - i'm still far behind on rent and utilities and am running outta basic stuff like toothpaste and toilet paper! but the more i thought about dealing with this girl, the sicker i got. i didn't sleep at all and spent the night on the bathroom floor sick as hell.

so dumb ass me, sick and sleep deprived and stressed so badly i was shaking, decided to call in and then e mail my two week's notice. i finally felt some of the stress lift and dozed off for a few hours.

cut to me waking up and realizing what had happened and throwing up again. see, i'm already in a legal appeal with unemployment because they say i quit my old job. you can't get unemployment if you quit.

so what the fuck is a chick supposed to do? should i try to rescind the notice and hope stuff gets better? should i suck it up and sell off my belongings to keep the lights and water on?

i'm fucked up and i know it. i have spent the last year wallowing in self pity, convincing myself that i will never find success, love, security, etc. self sabotage, eh? but i really do want to get better. i want to grow and achieve and have friends and laugh and be silly and get a job and be able to take care of myself. i've isolated myself for three weeks now, convinced i can't function normally. this is bad. and i won't lie - i've had majorly self destructive thoughts.

i considered calling my therapist and begging for some guidance but then i got a call from her saying she'd sent me to collections for the bills my insurance didn't cover. i know i really need to get some sort of help but i just don't know where to turn. DSHS is not responding to my requests for help either. the state is so overloaded with requests for help that they just can't get to everyone and people who pop out babies come first. that's just the way it works.

now don't freak out - i'm not gonna snuff myself, but i am hurting so bad that i'm barely functional. i just want to laugh and forget myself for a bit. please just share with me some ridiculous story or joke or strange occurrence. i need levity and i need to escape my solitude for just a bit. you can do this through a comment or a twitter or even a text or phone call. just e mail me if you want my number but don't leave a voice mail cause i can't get them until i pay my bill. c'mon, i dare ya. let's just see what happens. consider it an experiment. the results will be published!