the insides are all useless but the rest is fertile soil

i am far too old to be having these holden caulfield moments.

this is what my life feels like right now:
so let's all get caught up.
saturday i met up with grey and diane for the season closing bout of the dockyard derby dames. what to wear.... frilly girly and pink, of course.ooh - and crochet! let's go all delicate for a rough and tumble night of roller derby sportage.
all day i felt fat and bloaty. you know those days? i felt out of sorts and just chalked it up to being susie. like ya do.

can i just say that the tacoma derby crowd is very, well, tacoma? way to go, suburbia. our gang (joined by a few of diane's co-workers and friends) congregated in the bar. grey was the first to notice the lame-ity of the crowd. she actually lit up when she spotted another lesbian. poor gal was by herself. we sucked on our beers and tried to watch the bout from the second floor bar windows but were foiled by the suburb mall "frat" boys.
"oh! there's another one!" grey's lesbian had performed a spontaneous mitosis and now there were two. we took this as a good sign. but then came the half-time show.hey tacoma derby girls - when the SCA approaches you about including foam padded weapons jousting in your next season bouts, do us all a favor and JUST SAY NO!!!!! i would've thought that was a given. when you assume, susie....
that pretty much ended my night. i blew kisses to the dear gang o' mine, readied my rape whistle/glowstick/flashlight and started hiking to my car. funny, i thought, diane must've moved their car at some point. it's not parked in front of mine anymore....
and why i didn't text her right then? no clue. must've been that out-of-sorts feeling. yes, their car was stolen. and they suffered through the SCA joust. poor girls!

so sunday i felt lethargic and crappy. i barely got out of bed. i dozed off pretty early and had a dream that my mom was filling a prescription for anti-nausea medication for me. then i woke up. i really was feeling kinda sick. i started walking but my legs failed me. i crawled to the bathroom and was sick for almost 20 minutes straight. i slithered back to my bedroom and texted work - no way i'm gonna be there. i was sick again and again and again. as soon as i'd take a sip of water i was sick before i could swallow. then linus starts empathy puking. did you know cats could do that? neither did i. leave it to linus!
long story short i ended up in the ER. look - they matched my IV to my purse!and how weird am i for taking a picture? so after the blood work, CAT scan, ultra-sound, swine flu swab, urinalysis and chest x rays, they chalked it up to bacteria. and did i mention i have no insurance? yes, they gave me the charity paperwork. fingers crossed!
i'm still in a huge amount of pain and on a liquid diet. i swear i ripped up all my abdominal muscles. or at least that's what it feels like. but HUGE thank you to cory and christine for taking me to the hospital (the cab refused me!), staying there with me and stopping at the grocery store for me on the way home. i really really owe you guys!i love that picture! maybe it's their bitchin' haircuts. so today i'm trying to re-acclimate. i feel so moody and stressed. the huge hospital bill and abbreviated paycheck looming over me aren't helping so i bullied on over to square america for some help taking my mind off things.this is fry's girl. whose girl am i?
whine whine whimper....

you can pin and mount me like a butterfly

years ago i met this really cute boy who could dance like jarvis cocker but his feet smelled really bad so i made him sleep on the couch. let that be a lesson.
so yeah, it's been a week since i've posted. and it was a week.on sunday i did laundry, worked in the office and headed over to frank's. he lured me in with the promise of polanski's "the fearless vampire killers" which was wonderfully polanski. i also learned a lesson that day - too much choice can be a bad thing. we went to the whole foods deli to pick up lunch and i swear we wandered around dumbfounded for a good 20 minutes. wtf? i finally settled on indian food and i think frank went for rice. silly vegetarian.

when i woke up for work on monday i was covered in hives!well, truth be told, i tossed and turned and itched all night finally pulling my sleeves down over my hands to keep from scratching. after a miserable day and half a tube of hydrocortisone i figured out that it was my new fabric softener causing my misery. damn you, world! so since i looked like a connect the dots puzzle, i really didn't take any pictures this week. i'm sure you understand, right?

thursday was really the only day i felt human enough to take any. i dug out an anthro sweater dress, a ruffly skirt and a shawl and rocked the grandma chic.

my new favorite morning drink - cinnamon spice tea with creme brulee non-dairy creamer. it's like a cup full of liquid cookies without all the fat and calories! which reminds me to time to hit the grocery store....

so of course since i'm old maid-ed up again i get invited out to meet up with my new friend thom. he was taking pictures at a burlesque show that night.
ok, people who know me know this about me - i HATE burlesque. it generally (in seattle, at least) involves a bunch of very confident but very un-talented people doing things that they probably shouldn't and i find myself being embarrassed for them. while there were a few (two) very good performers and an amazing aerialist, the night was, um, less than mind blowing. the beth ditto impersonator totally had the look down but the voice...oops - she wasn't a beth ditto impersonator? sorry. well, maybe she has a potential new career ahead of her!and just remember - it ain't over 'til the mean lady sucking down beer at the bar makes fun of your purse and calls your sweater a poncho. because i really needed that, thank you.
so all in all, i STILL HATE burlesque. and judging by the crowd of 11 spectators, so does the rest of seattle. but yays 'cause i got paid and gib sent me an amazing song he wrote and i'm going out with diane and grey tonight (third wheel girl!) and i'm going to portland for halloween and i have chocolate and my roomie's leaving for the weekend so i can watch scary movies tonight without being distracted by his kids whining. double yays!

but darling, you and i, we were born to cry

tonight i got stood up. what a crappy feeling. i was sitting there all decked out and waiting for a friend who never showed. i actually sat by the door with my coat on for 45 minutes. then i started to worry that i'd gotten the day wrong so i went and checked. i perched on the edge of my bed and played on my computer for a bit, not wanting to muss my dress or hair. finally after almost two hours, i decided to face the truth and realize how pathetic i was being. i decided to treat myself to some fresh soup from the nice grocery store as my consolation prize and tuck in with a scary movie.
scary, isn't it?
i settled on "the eyes of laura mars" from 1978 with faye dunaway and tommy lee jones. don't you love the avante gard murder pictures? so funny.

thanks to a suggestion from amy jeanne's blog i discovered square america. i've been spending hours staring at these pictures. the double exposure section is my very favorite but i also enjoyed this part quite a bit.it details the scrapbooks of fred and anne and how they had strategically removed certain people from the photos. sorta sums up how i feel tonight.all dressed up,with no place to go.

why bother?

i've forgotten which habits to hide and which habits to fake

linus walked across my face all night with his giant feet.
he must feel guilty because he's been especially affectionate today. i truly believe cats are capable of complex emotions. is that so strange?in my effort to save money on food, i stocked up on my favorite campbells soup flavors. todays meal was bean with bacon. sorry, no matter how much i try to pretty it up it's just canned soup. *le sigh*not my soup but it sure looks like it.
getting ready for a weekend of fun! tonight i'm hitting karaoke at a kitschy chinese restaurant with an old friend and some new ones, tomorrow i'm going to my old friend johnny mercury's show with him and his lovely girlfriend, and sunday i'm gonna hang out with frank. plus i'm gonna work in the office at some point. sleep? what's that? i can't afford to sleep - i'm being sponsored.

the first of the gang to die, oh my

the things people say to me....

this chick walks up to me today and says, "what do i have to do to get a french maid outfit like yours?" i wanted to smack the smug smirk off her bitchy face. french maid outfit?

have you ever seen a french maid outfit? ftw?
sunshine, this is an OLD maid outfit.yes gang, it's official. i am an old maid. i've suspected it for a long time but today reality finally set in. it used to be that all of my friends were in relationships, but i realized that now they're all married. and a lot of them have kids, too. oh lord. i can't even keep a car for more than a few years!
my prospects of getting out of this are dim, too. why? think for a minute here:

i own control-top panties.

i buy boxed wine.
i have two cats that i talk to and take lots of pictures of.
i like to embroider.

i collect tons of junk and live in clutter.
i don't wear heels (well that's not really by choice, but STILL).
i'm eccentric.
i watch "the golden girls".
i eat frozen dinners and yoplait.
i love vincent d'onofrio (VERY bad sign).

holy crap, this is bad. help!
i'd better wear a tutu tomorrow. somehow i just know that'll solve everything.

pray for me.

and can i get some big strong man to help me get my window closed? i can't go all winter with it stuck open. i'll make you cookies! (this is an actual plea for help with the window and not some veiled ploy to get me a man. sickos.)

quiet, please. quiet please!

anyone who's ever crashed at my house for the nights knows about my obsession with old time radio. i probably owe them all an apology for keeping them up so late while i listen to them (strongest regrets to my portland friends who were kept up late after that long drive, especially after they played shows. sorry sorry sorry!)
they've totally become part of my bedtime routine over the past few years. i adore them! i have even found stand-out favorites among these echoes from yesterday, such as "lights out", "quiet, please", "dragnet", vincent price's "the saint", "richard diamond, private detective", "the lives of harry lime" (yay orson welles!), "the mysterious traveler", and my absolute very very favorite, "the whistler"."the whistler" is a strange, spooky series of shows that ran from 1942 until 1955. each story began with a sinister voice claiming the following statement:
i am the whistler, and i know many things for i walk by night. i know the secrets hidden in the hearts of men and women who have stepped into the shadows.
i LOVE the overacting and odd sound effects they used! it's stuff like this that makes me feel like i was born too late.i think i have most of the catchphrases memorized, and i'm not just talking about stuff everyone knows like "the shadow". i mean obscure stuff for people my age, like dana andrews' closing line on every episode of "i was a communist for the fbi":
i am a communist for the fbi; i walk alone.

or the mysterious traveler's departing line:
i take this same train every week.

i'm such a cornball.

picnik just offered new halloween effects. i had to try them. hey, just proving my corniness. you doubted, didn't you?

lame post, i'm tired and caught up in my radio shows.

i know you're a recluse you know that's no excuse

i swam through the day in a benadryl haze. i hate allergies. does anyone else love irene dunne as much as i do? she was a swell comedic actress, you know. i watched "the awful truth" with her and cary grant yesterday and i was entranced by her. the scene where she pretends to be his sister and sings the "gone with the wind" song had me holding my stomach and laughing, which i NEVER do. so ungraceful of me but it was so enjoyable at the same time. it also made me realize i really need to lay off the doughnut holes or at least try eating some normal food on occasion.mmmmm.... the meat whale.

this was from the dinner at cory and christine's on sunday. christine's son didn't intentionally eat his beef l'orange into the shape of a whale so that made it even better when we realized that he had.

sometimes i do some stupid things and when i do, i am sometimes lucky enough to have good friends around me to point it out. i'm referring to what happened at the dinner table on sunday. we had all just sat down to eat when cory's dog, lulu, and christine's dog, maggie, started fighting underneath the dining room table. everyone jumps up as the dogs snarl and growl and make those frantic dog fighting noises (lulu's a pit bull so you can imagine how scary the sounds were). the table starts bucking from side to side, wine glasses are tipping over, people are frantically grabbing things and cory's trying to separate the dogs. what do i do? i stupidly sit there at the table with my hands folded in front of me and a smirk on my face. luke just stared at me, finally saying, "what's wrong with you?" as cory shoved one dog in a kennel and the other out the door before running off to nurse his bleeding hand.

"i was pretending it was a seance." it was the first thing that popped into my head. it made sense to me. it made me think of that scene in "a christmas story" where the bumpus hounds steal the christmas dinner.looking for the bumpus hounds picture made another of my favorite books and movies pop into my head so i'm going to blow my nose (allergies) and watch "the egg and i" with the goddess claudette colbert. the movie is great but it doesn't crack me up anywhere near as much as the book, even though a bunch of people on amazon rip on it because they say it's racist. screw you, angry pc book reviewers! i love how a few of them admit they never even read the book. that always makes me chuckle. morons.i don't know what i was doing here but i love my polka dot donald brooks dress. i rescued it from the floor of the antique mall. it loves me, too.

would rather see the night than the reason of the day

i miss the ocean blue. can i have them back, please? having weekends off is a new thing for me but i've quickly settled in to my routine. it generally involves cleaning, rest, and a whole lot of npr.

laugh if you must but i've been addicted to the weekend shows for quite some time. it's such a strange sensation to hear them in real time as opposed to my podcasts. i've grown accustomed to it. i'm a creature of habit. and then comes the semi-annual beg-a-thon throwing my whole routine into chaos. wtf?i NEED my carl "i look just like your grandpa" kasell "wait wait don't tell me" fix! quit interupting it with your pitch for a $150 coffee mug! if i really want one, i'll pick one up at the goodwill in two months for $1. trust me - it'll be there. and i'll drink from it on front of YOU, katie sewall and ruby de luna. and it won't be filled with coffee and no, you can't have a sip.

and don't EVEN screw with my private moment of "wiretap" with my someday husband jonathan goldstein. he loves me. i can hear it in the way he bickers with howard. yeah, i know how public radio works and all but i'm poor. if i had a dollar a day, i'd be eating hot food instead of sending it to you all. sorry if i'm bitter but the whole damn pledge drive is annoying. if these empty headed voices care about public radio so much, maybe they should work for free! now THAT'D give 'em lots of money to pay for my favorite shows without the annoying mathematical breakdowns of what my pledge would be per day. (let me tell you, they've gotten pretty adept on those calculators. bra-fucking-o. that's sarcasm.)
i have no sympathy for the cause. they all live better than me and most people i know. especially during the recession. my "stories" are my escape from the sad state of my finances and to have money money money drilled into my head yet again has made my happy "this american life" time as pathetic as payday at work. just stop. and shut up. and enough with the robots - it's still annoying and lame.i think i stepped in poo.nah, just a slug.
didja notice i traded my blue dress obsession for pale pale pink and white? why does that happen?

off to dinner at cory and christine's!