i went out in the forest and caught 100,000 fireflies

the only time i ever saw fireflies was the summer i spent in virginia when i was 10. we caught them in jars and buckets and it broke my heart when i'd find them dead in the morning. i wanted to take them home with me. i was fascinated and i'd never known they were real until that summer. i think about that every time i hear the magnetic fields song.

i am utterly exhausted. i've been working really long hours and i haven't made my bed or cleaned my room in days. it depressed me when i got home tonight. i also have a pile of gifts i need to send to people but i just don't have any money to mail them. i'm so sick of being poor.
i know it's just the exhaustion but i feel like crap. i'm having a total self-doubt streak and wondering what the world is all about and where i belong. i'm also feeling really isolated again. i know it's my own insecurity but i have such a hard time believing that people could possibly like me. is that weird? other people go through that too, right? except i run away and cut myself off. it's like pre-empting the inevitable hurt they will cause. i'm such a freak.i just wanna disappear and turn up in a silent film, trapped forever on celluloid like on that episode of torchwood where those circus performers stepped out of the film and started draining the fluid out of people's bodies. except i wouldn't do that.
my mom gave me this shawl when she saw me snatching them up at the goodwill. i slapped a bunch of afp pins on it. i think i love it.so does lucy. i forgot to put on mascara today. i'm tired.